Much of my success as a student was driven by a deep anxiety to complete assignments by their “due dates.” I remember hanging a large desk calendar at the foot of my dorm room bed in college, so that the last thing I saw before I went to bed and the first thing I saw when I woke up was what I had due that month. I tried to complete things as well as I could, but, mostly, I was just excited to let them go when the deadline came.
I’ve learned that this approach is not useful for my PhD program. While, yes, some class assignments and tests will come and go with their due dates, there are projects that are ongoing–mostly, lab research–that are not served by just trying to finish them by a deadline. Instead, I’m trying to take a steadier approach to my work. I’m reminding myself that this work will always be here. It may take on new forms as my research develops, but there’s no shoving it away to avoid the anxiety that used to motivate me to get beyond a deadline.
I’m reimagining the way I’ve always motivated myself. I’m trying to not work in an anxious state to meet deadlines. I’m requesting extensions for projects that I know I need time to better develop. I am not rushing to be done with things just to get them done. Ultimately, the rushing toward a deadline won’t serve me in the long run if what I’m doing here and now is attempting to build the foundation on which my later research program will develop.
Of course, in “giving myself the time I need” I also run the risk of never getting anything done that’s not absolutely perfect. So, I try not to let this slower approach to working turn into a kind of never-ending project of perfectionism. Sometimes, it is better to get work out that is almost there rather than spending time trying to get it to a place that it may never get to. That can lead to another kind of anxiety.
In writing this post, I’m reminded of lines from the Mary Oliver poem, “Work, Sometimes:”
“Happiness isn’t a town on a map, or an early arrival, or a job well done, but good work ongoing.”
I remind myself of these lines, when I want something to be “done,” but I can’t quite seem to get it there just yet. This is work I want to develop throughout my life as a scientist. But, also, a larger point of this poem, is highlighting the importance of leaving our work to be outside:
“You have days like this, no doubt. And wasn’t it wonderful, finally, to leave the room? Ah, what a moment.”
The Lazy PhD 