February

It’s been harder to come up with what it is I want to share this month. I’ve been settling in to a routine with my PhD program–one much more self-driven than before. I’ve shifted into the phase in which I’m not taking (many) classes, and instead I have to motivate myself to do the work to develop ideas that will eventually shape my dissertation.

I’ve noticed a lot of PhD students struggle with this shift to independence, myself included. I relied for most of my academic career on the external validation from my professors, the pressure of deadlines, and the anxiety that drove me to get things done. But now–while I continue to get feedback from my mentor–it’s no longer about trying to get a good grade or a pat on the back or whatever it was I trained to want from people who judged me a student. Now, it really has to be about whether I want to get up and do the work each day to become a better scientist.

I think my initial reaction to this shift was a kind of fear, a familiar fear, that tells me I’m not ______ enough–fill int he blank with: smart, driven, focused, confident, hard-working, precise, etc. to be a good scientist. This is a very familiar pattern that I’ve begun to recognize. And slowly, I’ve realized how uninteresting it is for me to get caught up in all of the stories of how I’m not ______ enough. I began to ask myself, “Do I want to do this thing, or do I not?” And, of course, I do. And so, I’m going to give it everything (while still taking care of myself and asking constantly what it is I need).

Here are a few of the things that have been helping me through this past month:

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Big Magic.

Holly Whitaker’s book, Quit Like a Woman.

Daily journal prompts from this app.

Happy February, friends.