reflecting on the past year: trying not to jump to resolutions

Like many others, I tend to want to start thinking about my New Year’s resolutions around the end of December. I like using it as a time to reset and look forward. Sometimes, though, this means I fail to really think back on the past year–what worked, what didn’t, what I’d change, and what I wouldn’t. So, I’m making the space to do that, here.

2021 was a bit of a breakthrough year for me. I was able to make a lot of changes that I’d been pondering for a while. What helped me make these changes? A supportive relationship where I felt safe to be my full self, hitting a kind of rock bottom in my mental health, and the help of a global pandemic.

So, here is my list of things that I felt helped me grow into myself the most this year:

1. Creating this website. Technically I made thelazyphd.com at the end of 2020, but I didn’t start sharing it publicly until the start of 2021. I’d dreamed up a space that I used to help myself through my PhD program. And I got to the point where I was only slightly less afraid to do it then to not do it, so I made it. It was incredibly terrifying to be so open and vulnerable. But it became clear to me that if my words could resonate with even just one person, that making it would be worth it.
2. Starting an anti-depressant medication. I wouldn’t have done this if I hadn’t have hit a rock bottom in terms of my anxiety. It took about three months to find the right dose, but this has been perhaps the best decision I’ve made in my life so far. I hadn’t realized how helpful anti-depressants could be for anxiety, and I am so grateful to experience a calmer, more centered mind as a result.
3. Continuing to (mostly) not drink alcohol. It started with Dry January at the start of 2021, and continued when I went on an anti-depressant. I liked how much clearer my mind felt after not drinking. I used to notice, even with just one or two drinks, that a kind of fogginess took over the next day, and I realized didn’t like that feeling.
4. Getting back to therapy. The blessing and curse of having a good therapist and then having to move away from said therapist is that I made tremendous breakthroughs with this person, and then, no one frankly could live up to her when I tried to find a new therapist in Texas. But, again, with my rock bottom, I realized I needed to get back to a therapist. My life depended on it. And, so, I did.
5. Seeking out an ADHD diagnosis. That amazing therapist I had had before moving to start my PhD program was also the one who helped me realize I had red flags for ADHD. At that time, I wasn’t ready to pursue a formal diagnosis. I was only coming to terms with the reality of my disability. But, this year made me realize it was something I wanted to do. It’s an immense privilege to be able to seek a formal diagnosis, and I’m so grateful I was able to do this.
6. Continuing and building on my daily habits. I tried to find a mix between centering habits that ground me–things like daily journaling, meditation, walking, and my morning coffee–while also not trying to “perfect” my self-care in an exhausting kind of way. Basically, giving myself grace if I didn’t feel up to doing these things. Reminding myself that sometimes, even when I checked all of the boxes I may still feel anxious or depressed, and that’s okay.
7. A good bedtime routine. Falling and staying asleep can be an especially challenging task for someone with an anxious mind. I’ve worked on establishing a routine that helps me wind down and fall asleep. Of course, sometimes I still wake up and struggle to fall back to sleep. In those cases, I try everything that helps, and if I still can’t fall asleep, I give myself grace, and I let myself get up.
8. Caring for myself on a Wednesday night. I used to sideline my deep rest to the weekends based on the structure of the “work week.” But something I realized I could do was, even in the middle of the week, give myself the care I needed. For me, that looks like popping a big bowl of popcorn and watching Ted Lasso on loop.
9. Adding tidying to my daily routine. I also used to sideline my tidying to the weekends, prioritizing my work as the only thing to give attention to during the work week. But, I’ve found more and more how much a tidy space helps to contribute to my sense of calm. And, so, I’ve made space for tidying even in the middle of the week.
10. Making spaces dedicated to working and living. Something I really struggled with during isolation was the fact that so much of my life occurred only in one space. To help with this, I’ve built an office space at my university now where I do most of my writing for my PhD. As with many of my habits, I don’t want to make it a rule that I can “only write in this space.” Sometimes I will need to work at home, and that’s okay. If, in general, I can cultivate spaces for specific tasks though, then I know this will help with my general sense of calm, organization, and well-being.

What I’ve been listening to at the end of 2021:

• This On Being Episode– The Future of Hope Part 3: Elizabeth Gilbert and Pico Iyer